Years ago, after lamenting some grievous transgression I’d made that had terminated whatever burgeoning romance I was currently in the midst of, my brother told me that I had exceeded this guy’s “Bullshit-Tolerance Level” and that I was not going to get a second chance. “What?”, I cried out indignantly. “I did what ? What does that even MEAN??” He then proceeded to explain to me his theory about how everyone has an acceptable level of bullshit that they are willing to put up with in a relationship and that once someone has exceeded it, you’re done. You’re persona non grata. No more chances. You’re out. Off to find some other poor sucker to put up with your crap. Now I will be the first to admit that I have a pretty low bullshit-tolerance level. You can strike out pretty quickly with me which may be the reason so few men get past a first date. But I have made great strides in trying to adjust my tolerance level to allow for some minor infractions to slide by without me pulling the plug. When it comes to dating (online or otherwise), it is important to learn how much bullshit you’re willing to put up with before you call the whole deal off. Some women (and you know who you are) have extremely low, hyper-sensitive bullshit-tolerance levels. Date shows up late? He’s done. Didn’t call when he said he would? Done. Didn’t pick up the tab? Double Done. You get the idea. On the other end of the spectrum, you have women whose bullshit-tolerance level is so high that they turn themselves into a human doormat. Date stands you up and then calls you in a month to reschedule? Okay. Date takes you to loud, crowded bar and proceeds to hit on other women? Okay. Date sleeps with best friend? Okay. ~ Uh, no, ladies. Not okay! It’s time to find some middle ground here. Remember that boys will be boys but they are not allowed to be pigs – let’s try and meet them halfway, what say? Adjust your Bullshit-Tolerance level accordingly. That’s my motto.
Dating
Why Am I Single?
Friends and family used to get hit with this question on a fairly regular basis. It’s been asked literally thousands of times over the course of my life and the answer never presents itself. And I would actually LOVE for the answer to present itself. Some sort of Letter From The Universe saying “Dear Kodie, You are single because… you’re too loud, you’re obnoxious, you’re difficult, you’re too fat, you’re unattractive” or whatever. Just a reason that I could point to and say “Oh, THAT’S why I’m single. And while those descriptions may fit me at one time or another, in reality, I’m none of those things on a regular basis. For the most part, I’m a pretty good catch! I’m smart, I’m funny and gosh darnit, people like me!
My quest for a meaningful relationship has been fraught with disaster and disappointment – whose hasn’t? My friends and family love to blame whatever my current occupation is with my reason for being single. When I sold cars for a living; “You’re too busy to meet anyone!” When I was a singer; “Men are intimidated by you.” When I was a school teacher; “You spend all your time with a bunch of high schoolers!” When I was an unemployed bum traveling the world; “You don’t seem like you want to settle down.” When I was a stewardess (an occupation that finally stuck); “You travel too much.” And the list goes on. A gigantic laundry list of excuses as to why I cannot find Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. My life has been a continuous revolving door of men, some “One-Night-Stands“, some “One Date Wonders”, some “Weekend Flings“, some “Short But Sweet” love affairs, some ridiculous noncommittal “We’ve Been Dating for Six Months But You’re Still Not My Girlfriend” situations and one bona-fide “Boyfriend” (not found online, actually). So, what gives? Why is it so hard to find love online? Or anywhere for that matter? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Are my standards too high? Is it….gulp…..is it ME?? What is it?? Sane, beautiful, intelligent women everywhere have spent countless hours annoying the hell out of their friends and family asking them this one, all-consuming question – “Why Am I Single???” I know this because I have LOADS of beautiful, intelligent, witty, fabulous friends and we are all in the SAME BOAT!! It’s one of the great mysteries of the universe. How can so many men out there claim to be looking for love and be overlooking women like us?
A friend told me once to write down what I was looking for in a man and then it would come to me. Sort of like that book “The Secret” where you put it out there into the universe and it just happens because you want it. Well, here’s my little “secret” for you – just writing it down won’t make it happen. I wrote that list years ago and, guess what? I’m still single. However, if I could write my dream man into existence he would embody the following qualities…
Kodie’s Dream Man:
Beautiful (to me)
Honest
Intelligent
Funny – in a self-deprecating sort of way
Confident
Capable
Adventurous
Masculine yet understanding of femininity
Kind
Financially secure
Non-smoker
Compassionate
Supportive
Motivated
Successful
Happy
Well-traveled (or willing to go along with me)
Educated
Articulate
Pursues multiple interests (not women)
Faithful
Spiritual
Uninhibited
Loving
Generous
Passionate
Thoughtful
Helpful
Handy
Charming
Charismatic
Idealistic
Creative
And there you have it folks. The list of qualities that I am seeking in an individual which has so far managed to elude me. Maybe it’s actually hindered this whole soul mate-finding process. Because as far as I can tell, all it’s gotten me are a lot of lonely nights on the couch next to my Imaginary Boyfriend watching Sex and the City reruns and wondering why I can’t find my “Big!“ Actually, Mr. Big is a dick so scratch that but you get the idea. Am I asking for too much? Maybe. Maybe there isn’t a guy on the planet that can live up to this list. But, to be honest, I feel like I pretty much bring those qualities to the table so really maybe I’m seeking someone more like me. My male counterpart – my masculine version of myself. Someone to complement me – enhance me – highlight my good qualities and help diminish the negative ones, and vice versa. Does that make sense? Who the hell knows? But I’m still looking for him.
Miss Matched
When it comes to online dating, I would venture to say that no one has as much experience as I do. I am a veritable internet dating professional! I have been a member of online dating sites for so long that I should be EMPLOYED by them. They should be paying ME to be a member at this point or at least giving me a hefty discount. I should be nominated as their most consistent and longest-running member. I should receive a letter of condolence for the fact that I have been searching for love online for so long and have yet to find it! I have been dabbling in online dating for more than 10 years. Yep, you read that right…TEN YEARS! That’s more than a decade of searching for and striking out in the highly competitive game of online love. And yet, I’m still hopeful. I maintain my membership and update my profile and anxiously await the next email in my inbox. Yes, in the face of overwhelming odds, I remain optimistic.
My online search for love has taken me through 5 states and countless dates – some memorable, some utterly forgettable and some worthy of a mini-novella. Hence, the blog you are reading now… I have experienced the good, the bad and the ugly of the online dating realm and I am here to tell you that while it is not always pretty it is ALWAYS entertaining! The internet is literally teeming with thousands of people seeking their soul-mate, the love of their life, the reason they can hit the delete button for their profile, for God’s sake! Internet dating sounds like a good idea in theory, but it doesn’t take into account the fact that not everyone can write a stellar profile, not everyone can take a model-worthy picture and, when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of it, you simply cannot judge how you will react to another living, breathing human being until you actually come into contact with them in the real world. No amount of emailing, texting or phone calls can equate to an actual encounter with someone. What if the person you’ve been amorously emailing and texting for the past few weeks turns out to have terrible halitosis? Or some freaky twitch he never mentioned? Or maybe half of his face has been badly scarred but he only put pictures up of the OTHER side of his face? (This actually happened to a friend of mine! I can’t make this stuff up, people!) Yes, with online profiles you just never know what you are really going to get in the real world. But it does put you in contact with people that you would otherwise never meet. You would likely never cross paths with these people were it not for the world-wide web. So, in that sense it opens up a world of opportunity for you to explore. And, while it can be daunting and overwhelming and utterly depressing at times, the hope of finding that one special someone keeps us coming back for more. It’s a potent drug and there are thousands and thousands of users that are hooked! Count me among the many dazed, daunted and discouraged. Nevertheless, I persist. 😉
Miss Matched 